Cleaned, corrected and re-synced by Tronar
I decided to play a little hooky today.
I drove down to my hometown of Ruby Shoals,
which is right on the shore.
Angie, show 'em a bit of where we're at.
Go on.
OK, so it was tore up some by Sandy,
but you get the general... Oh, grab a shot of them gulls there.
Cute little suckers.
Anyway, being back on this beach...
...reminds me of what a privilege it was
to grow up in a place where you could run through tide pools,
hunt for sharks' teeth, blow up crabs with cherry bombs...
Man, that's just good times.
Anywho, Ruby Shoals has always been pretty conservative.
Solid Republican. And as Republicans,
the thing we believed in most of all was opportunity.
Which meant we believed in building stuff to create opportunity.
Like roads and schools and power grids.
It was a Republican, Ike, who built our highway system.
And another, Nixon, who created the EPA
to protect what we are looking at right now.
As conservatives, we believed in conservin'
and free markets, which is why most of us
used to favor cap and trade to fight climate change.
Anyway, that was then.
We don't believe in climate change now.
Or any research into it.
Same with mandates or infrastructure
or background checks or a dozen other things
we used to support before we got within pissin' range of the Tea Party.
I've about had it with all that.
Remember the old Gil John Biggs?
The one who used to bring home a new clinic or research center
or whatnot without apology?
Sure, I named 'em after myself, but I don't mind future generations
knowing who invested in 'em.
You remember Coach Biggs?
Who made college loans a huge priority
because he'd seen how they changed lives.
And remember the guy that never voted to shut down the government
or wreck our credit or suppress voting rights
or compared people to Hitler? Remember that guy?
He's back.
Wow, powerful stuff. Howard, why do you think
this Biggs video has become such a sensation?
My hunch is it reminds people of when principled politicians
could reach across the aisle for the common good.
Well, Chris, that and also the role of...
In fact, it reminds me of my new book,
Tip and the Gipper: When Politics Works.
It's almost eerie, John don't you agree?
- Well, not really. - I seriously disagree.
Howard, you've read the book. Don't you agree with me?
Well, Chris, I haven't read the book yet,
but I've read all the blurbs,
Wait a minute, are you getting hosannas from the liberals now?
Yep, for being a conservative.
So hard to process.
My numbers are perking up, too. Tide might've turned.
I'm actually getting credit for not being crazy.
Wonder if I should try that?
You're the best, Howard. And this is Hardball.
- You're wrong, John. - Robert?
Got any laundry?
Louise offered to do a load.
Well, that's very sweet of her,
but I only trust my shirts to Madame Collette's Laundry.
You know Madame Collette is a Serbian transsexual, don't you?
- I do now. - Never mind.
- What are you working on there? - Uh, talking points.
I've gotta go before the Ethics Committee tomorrow.
What? Why? Isn't that voluntary?
I'm dead otherwise.
I just can't shake this whole mohair suit thing.
I know, it's insane, right?
I mean, I would never accept a mohair suit.
I'm allergic to mohair, for Christ's sake.
Well, why don't you just tell Carly that?
I did. And she didn't buy it.
I don't blame her. I wouldn't buy it, either.
Do you believe somebody when they tell you
- they're allergic to something? - Sure.
I, myself, suffer from an allergy.
- To what? - Celery.
- I don't believe you. See? - Well, I believe you.
A scarf?
One hundred percent mohair.
You're welcome.
That means, "You look like a music video dancer," in Spanish.
I mean, not you.
That's not really in there, is it?
Nah, I pieced it together on my own.
Uh-huh.
Ugh, that'll be Graydon. Better lose the textbook.
- Hey. - Katherine, Dilly.
Dilly, Katherine Sims is Senator Guzman's chief of staff.
- OK. - Dilly, Senator Guzman.
- Yeah, I recognize him. - Wow, I thought you'd be at least college age.
- Like a young Nate Silver. - I received my Master's
in Applied Mathematics three years ago.
- And Nate Silver's an idiot. - Of course he is.
- That was a test. - What type of test? What were you measuring?
It was a joke, Dil.
You said you'd tell me if there was joking.
Um, Dilly has really been making big waves in the analytics sphere.
When I ran Mower, he predicted county results
- to the second decimal. - Third.
To the third decimal.
Are there even enough voters for that?
It's just a point on a probability graph.
Is this an interview? Because if it is, you're not doing very well.
So Dilly ran some numbers on immigration reform. Propensity models.
And he matched them against positions that you've taken on the record.
I think they'll be helpful in preparing for the rebuttal.
Nice!
Five-thousand-year-old computation technology.
Awesome! Who do you like better, Neal Adams or Frank Miller?
- Frank Miller? - Oh, no question!
I mean, The Dark Knight Returns is a masterpiece.
So when do we start?
You think anyone will remember me?
- Welcome home, senator! - They do remember me.
Of course they do, sweetheart.
- Lola! - Hi, Daddy!
What are you doing here, baby?
School's over, Daddy. My internship started yesterday.
You got here yesterday? Why didn't you call us?
Where are you staying?
I think everybody wants to hear from you, Daddy.
Speech, speech, speech...
[all] Speech, speech...
I... I'm so surprised and moved by your welcome.
I thought I would just slip back behind my desk unnoticed.
But since my daughter's put me on the spot,
I guess I could say a few words.
The Webster's Dictionary definition of "to lead"
says, "to set a direction and guide strongly."
And as an example, it uses a ranch hand.
- Dear God. - So from now on,
I want you all to think of yourselves
as tall, muscular ranch hands, leading the sheep,
which are... I don't know, constituents, or pages, maybe.
I'm the foreman, and I wear a sort of canvas duster...
Great speech, senator, really. Very inspiring.
- We're all on a ranch. - Yeah!
See, they love you, dear. Now, you get back to work.
Soar, my little bald eagle, soar.
Let the record show that Senator Bettencourt
voluntarily appears before this committee,
whose mission is the investigation of members
charged with flouting our ethical standards.
Are we equally bound to discuss...
...the ethics of dragging someone through an investigation
simply because he blocked funding for someone's federal owl habitat?
The only business before this committee
is whether or not you received mohair gifts in excess of 250 dollars
in exchange for your vote on mohair subsidies.
I did not.
The state tried and failed to prove a bribery case.
And yet there remains the mystery of the six mohair suits
you received the day after your vote.
How I received the suits is no mystery.
They were a gift from my Hong Kong tailor,
which is embarrassing, but not illegal.
Especially since the suits were not...
...of mohair, they were of Italian wool,
which is also embarrassing, but again, not illegal.
I thought they were made of mohair.
How do we know they're not made of mohair?
Because, Carly...
...I am allergic to fucking mohair.
Carly, he looks like a chili dog.
- Oh! - I would like to enter this into evidence...
There being no further business, this committee is adjourned.
You should send a nurse in here, OK?
That was very foolish of you, senator.
You were a couple minutes away from anaphylactic shock.
Yeah, I know.
It won't happen again, I assure you, Annie.
Antihistamine. Once every three hours
until the swelling goes down.
- You take care, senator. - Thanks again.
I'll cancel the rest of your day, senator.
What? I just got jammed
with a syringe full of adrenaline.
Once the swelling goes down, I'm ready to boogie!
What's on the schedule for this afternoon?
Well, mostly fundraising calls,
but you have that dinner tonight.
Should I call in sick for you?
Are you kidding me?
Let down the nation?
Oh!
Hear about that big, wet kiss
I got on Hardball last night?
Right. Oh, hell, I don't care, John.
I'm the new maverick. I stole your fucking crown, man.
That's right, it's mine, now.
I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.
No, no, no, no, no, it's not Gil John, it's Maverick.
Say it. Say, "So long, Maverick."
Ha! See you 'round the corral.
Honestly, I don't think I would be crowing about
being the new sweetheart of MSNBC.
We're getting crucified on Fox.
O'Reilly and Hannity, yeah, but Megyn Kelly loves me.
- Mmm. - I got 'em shouting at each other.
You going back today?
I am. I have to explain the "new Gil John"
- to all of the old donors. - Oh, he's not new, honey.
Didn't you listen to what I was saying on the video?
You got your old Honeybear back.
I know, I know.
You'd miss being a senator's wife, wouldn't you?
- Is that shallow of me? - No, no, no.
You're a perks gal married to a perks guy.
No shame to it. We earned it.
Truth is... I don't mind the idea of losing so much.
So long as I don't.
That is really good, G.J., that might work.
What could work?
You're indifference.
If the voters believe that you're a man who wouldn't mind
losing for his principles, a thing that they very rarely see.
Well, hell, maybe you won't.
- Oh! - You always was the brains of the outfit.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
I'm so sorry. I have to work late again.
Can we meet on...
...a week from Tuesday at six.
No. Oh, Wednesday, 8:45?
No, I got a late-night markup.
- This is crazy. - Hold it.
I have a hole tomorrow night at 8:00.
Oh, hey, me too. Wait, why is that?
It's the president's speech to Congress. Both of our bosses have to go.
Then why don't you come by my office?
- No one'll be there. - I don't think that's appropriate.
What, are you kidding? Robert's the love doctor.
It's his waiting room.
And it's a non-starter without a real commitment of resources
for enhanced border security.
How much more do you want, Paul?
We already spend more on the CBP than the DEA and the FBI combined.
I think we can come up with the right number,
and I see some more common ground here.
Now, I am constantly hearing from tech businesses in my state
because they cannot find the workers they need.
I'm suggesting that we cut down or even eliminate
the waiting period for skilled workers.
I mean, after all, these folks become taxpayers from the get-go.
And I think we'd get a buy-in from both sides, Mr. President.
Well, look who's finally up.
You got laid.
- Excuse me? - Oh, I can always tell when someone's had sex recently.
It's like a sixth sense.
Robert, what color would you like your eggs?
What co...?
Uh, just the usual color, please?
There was a special on food coloring at Sam's Club.
She couldn't resist.
You know what? I'm probably gonna pass on the eggs.
Gotta watch the ol' waistline.
Well, there aren't any calories in food dye, Robert.
Honestly, it's just for fun!
I know why you were looking so smug.
You snuck off to the White House again last night, didn't you?
- White House? - Well, when the president calls you personally
and invites you to join a little off-the-record advisory group dinner,
it's hard to refuse.
You've been dining with Obama?
Robert, are you mad? He's like the third rail for us.
Man, there's gotta be 15 third rails now.
Obama, Medicare, Social Security,
- wind surfin', France... - No, I'm serious.
All it takes is a picture of the two of you smiling and shaking hands
and boom, you get lynched.
What? I can say that. My people got lynched, too.
Probably.
Bon appetit, young man!
Look, she added ham. Get it?
Fun!
I want your lamb in my pasture.
"I'm bored. Send me something fun.
James?
- James! - Uh, yes! Yes! What is it?
Don't forget to tweet the pictures of the senator's first day back.
Uh, of course. Right now, I'm on it.
- Are you OK? - Totally good.
Putting, uh, the pics up right now.
OK. Thanks.
Oh, shit!
Break it down for me again, kid, OK?
I'm just a speech writer. Treat me like an idiot.
I have been. But to restate,
I'm running these propensity models.
They're designed to compare hypothetical immigration positions
against variable cohort dispositions.
And as you can see, there's a major statistical aberration
between the primary and general outcome lines.
If you're pro immigration reform,
there's no way you can win primaries.
But if you're anti, there's no way to win the general.
It's like the Kobayashi Maru.
- I know I'll regret asking. - Star Trek?
It's the no-win training exercise that all Federation cadets
have to take as a test of character.
Kirk is the only person who's been able to beat it.
I gotta take this.
- Hey. - How's it going?
I'm not sure. I want to say something memorable tonight,
but apparently, memorable is risky.
Please don't punt, Andy, I just met with Ryans
and committed the full 20 million for the next cycle.
Jesus. You did that for me?
Of course not. I did it for our country.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
- And you should, too. - Yeah, I got it.
Bueno, be brilliant.
Besitos. Mwah!
So... how did Kirk beat the test?
By secretly reprogramming the simulation.
He cheated. On a test of character.
Yes, and later he was officially commended for original thinking.
My kind of moral universe.
Good morning, all.
Sir, we need to talk.
- Holy crap! - May I see?
No, it's not for ladies to see!
Except... Julie?
No, OK, you can look, but just for a second.
That's enough.
How did this happen?
I'm afraid it's my fault, sir.
I meant to tweet a picture of you on your first day back,
but I... I must've just uploaded the wrong photo on my phone.
I'm really, really sorry, sir.
That picture is... you?
No, of course not, it's a friend.
A friend... sent you a picture
of his... thick, bulging penis?
No, no, it wasn't for me.
He was thinking of sending it to his wife,
and he wanted to know if I thought it was appropriate.
And I said, "Absolutely not," and that was the end of it.
But I forgot to delete it.
And you'd like the senator to believe that story?
- Pretty much so, ma'am. - He's not an idiot.
- Clean out your desk. - No!
Lola, please, return to your duties.
- You are an intern... - You can't fire him, Daddy,
- not for a first offense. - Of course he can.
- Well, I... - Louis, I think we need to pray on this.
- Yes, I think so, too. - Sir, we don't.
This is an administrative decision, for which, I alone...
Why don't we let the only senator in this room get a word in here?
- James, give us a minute. - Yes, sir.
- You too, Lola. - No, Lola stays.
She obviously knows something about this.
Now, let's all sit down here and take turns.
Like we do at decision time at home.
Julie... your thoughts?
He's a moron. Fire him.
I'm done.
With the judgment you pronounce, you will be judged.
I don't think so.
- Louise. - Oh, sweetheart, James is your godson.
So in a way, it'd be like firing God.
Sir, we have to tell the press he's gone.
That is the only way we move past this.
Daddy, James made a mistake.
But even God makes mistakes, like children with an extra arm
or gay people.
And I'm sure that whoever James was sending that picture to,
he meant it as a beautiful and respectful expression of his love!
Thank you all for your counsel.
Now clear the room, please...
...while I consider my decision.
- Aaron? - Yes, sir?
Walk with me, talk with me.
I have reason to believe, and it's not official,
but reason to believe that the president is gonna use an idea of mine
- in his immigration speech tonight. - You're kidding! Which idea?
Eh, the waiting period. He took a shine to it.
We talked about it at length.
Well, that's great. Great for... immigrants.
I mean, bad for you if anyone finds out.
Those dinners are off the record, and besides,
the White House never shares credit... Hey, Chuck!
Just put up another staff wedding. Widening my lead.
Wrong, my friend. You've got a pending divorce
and I'm closing the gap.
Divorce? Who's my divorce?
Has the staffer responsible for the photo been fired?
- Not fired, per se... - So he's still working for you?
Barely. And he's been severely reprimanded.
I would like to remind everyone of the Christian values
- of forgiveness and redemption. - Who is it?
- I'm sorry? - Who is in the photo?
Oh, we're withholding his name to spare him further disgrace.
Then how can we be sure if the photo isn't you?
Well, I... I...
It isn't him. I've studied it.
I assure you, that picture could not be Louis.
No chance.
At all.
A wife knows.
"The president wants to let millions of illegals to step out of the shadows.
I say they should step halfway out of the shadows..."
"...just enough so the light hits their faces
and we can identify them."
Hey. Hey, babe, how are you?
I'll be with you in a minute.
I'm just going over my speech.
Oh, take your time, future POTUS.
I'm early anyway.
I love you.
- How disappointing. - What? Why?
You're supposed to say that for the first time when...
...when the sun is setting in my eyes,
or I laugh a certain way or you catch me in my own little world.
Not right after I spend 20 million dollars on your career.
I'm sorry... but the sun is setting in your eyes.
And I did catch you off in your own little world.
And you do laugh a certain way.
How'd you do that?
I'm used to tight spaces.
Excuse me, Paul? I wonder if I could ask you to slide over.
You still working that injury, eh, Louis?
That's insulting, Paul,
to me and to all the young men and women
who have paid a price for being in the shit.
You're right. Sorry, Louis.
Thank you for your service.
You're welcome.
- Really? - It's the end of the day, Robert.
I'm unwinding.
- No harm to it. - Members of Congress,
I have the high privilege and distinct honor
of presenting to you, the President of the United States.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you all. Thank you.
Please, everybody, have a seat.
Our economy is strong
when we harness the talents and ingenuity of striving, hopeful immigrants.
Real reform means establishing a responsible pathway
to earn citizenship.
And real reform means fixing the legal immigration system.
To cut waiting periods,
and attract the highly-skilled entrepreneurs and engineers
that will help create jobs and grow our economy.
My idea.
Oh. He's applauding Obama?
My boss just lost his mind.
Welcome to my world.
Thank you, God bless you. And God bless these United States of America.
- Fifteen seconds, senator. - Thank you.
How hot and powerful does my senator look?
It's not really within my purview to answer that question.
Hey, come on. Woman to woman.
- I'm gay. - No you're not.
You're just trying to avoid agreeing.
That, too.
Now, the president talked about dreams tonight.
Well, I know something about dreams.
For instance, the dreams of a young couple,
who fled Havana just days ahead of Castro's advancing army,
with only the clothes on their back
and the modest liquid assets their parents had wisely
transferred to a bank in Miami.
Now, these aren't actually my parents.
No photos survive, alas.
But they could be.
There's the same set of the jaw,
the same determination...
Oh, my God!
Is everyone OK?
Well, let's keep going, then. These things happen.
We're still rolling.
Suffice it to say, I don't need schooling about dreams
- from the president. - What just happened?
Let me tell you what we've done in Florida.
- Senator Bettencourt! - Senator Bettencourt!
Sir, why were you so ecstatic about the president's plan?
Ecstatic overstates it...
Do you think your support for Obama will hurt you back home?
- Of course not, what I'm trying to say is... - That's it, folks!
No exam tonight, we'll have a statement in the morning.
Hey, Jack, how are you? Good to see you.
Senator, that arc lamp exploded only inches away.
You barely reacted.
Now, Sandy, let's not make too much of my...
...not flinching under pressure, or... whatever.
That's just a distraction.
From a very serious message about immigration.
As the son of Cuban-born refugees,
who could have been in that grainy photo I showed tonight,
I won't apologize for my humble roots.
I won't apologize for walking past the soft bigotry of low expectations...